1/18/2024 0 Comments To kill a kingdom kye"Boys will be boys," Madrid grumbles, as she comes to stand next to me, drink in hand. The pain would be preferable to yet another goodbye. Hugging my arms around me I suddenly feel too fragile in this human body, and wish to return to the sea, maybe find a jellyfish and lay in the sand for a while. The sun is setting, and I mentally calculate the hours. Kye rolls his eyes and they start bickering half-heartedly as I turn my gaze and upper body away from them, glancing over the green-blue waters of the Sea of Diávolos at the horizon. "We're setting sail tomorrow at sunrise, Kye," Elian remarks with a serious voice but a smile in his eyes. This whole love thing is so complicated, and I do not like being a slow learner. And I only know what he has taught me, since I seek no other companions and am to shy and too prideful to admit my ignorance in such matters and ask Elian or even Madrid for more guidance. Mating with mermen, that I as Queen now have heard more about, seems very different from the mating Elian has taught me. It is strange to me, to feel so uncertain. I do send mermaids and other creatures to follow his ship, to be assured of his and the crew's safety and any news, but I never ask them to report on his activities. I barely know what courting is, and maybe think the term lovers suits us better. He does whisper words of love when we mate and he does treat me well and give me his attention when he is here, but he never asks for more and I do not know if that is the custom with human courting. He seems content like this, with our arrangement. Then again, Elian never speaks much of it either. My own language has none for the emotions I feel - another task to set to eventually - and Midasan is clumsy on my tongue. This thing between us is so undefined, and maybe it is my fault because I do not know how to put it in words. I never know how long he will be gone, if he will be safe, if he will return at all. I have duties to attend to, I cannot stay here and cry over a man with a voyager's heart. So I swallow my bitterness, refuse to acknowledge the tightening of my throat and the burning in my eyes, and turn my back on the disappearing ship, once again. These are, after all, my people to protect. I could choose a successor of course, and technically hand over the throne, but Keto is in turmoil, everything is changing, and I don't trust anyone to fill the role without taking advantage. It is unfair, how he managed to avoid his crown and yet I cannot abandon mine. I miss Elian the most when I am indecisive, when I am angry and need a good swordfight and when I am at my lowest. My cousin is a great help, but she cannot be my everything, she has other things to think about in life, like building up a relationship with her remaining family. I have a hundred things to do and think about, but no one to confide in. I do not wish to become the golden palace of a prison he so dislikes.Īnd it is not as if I am terribly lonely without him - I have my duties, I have my people and I have Kahlia. I am scared that if he stays, he will be miserable, feet always itching to get on the move again. A week longer, perhaps, or a month? But I dare not even ask for a day, because I am scared of him denying me. I wholeheartedly want him to have his freedom and his choice in life.īut on these days, I secretly wish for three things: that I could join him and see all these new places, or that he would finally want to stay with me more than he wants to go exploring, or that I at least would have the courage to ask him to stay. How can I be jealous of Elian, of my beautiful man who loves me so, who pushes and pulls against me like an ocean tide and never lets me stagnate? How can I be jealous when I am supposed to want the best for him, want the world for him, want him to be happy every second of every day?Īnd I know it makes him happy to go on these adventures, to not have the responsibilities of a king. And I hate myself a little, because I feel jealous as well. Most of all, nowadays I usually feel free.īut not on the days that Elian and the Saad disappear on the horizon to yet another adventure. All the emotions that have been missing for many years of my life, when I struggled to keep up with my mother's demands and wishes. Some days, I feel nothing but positive emotions: happiness, pride, love, protectiveness, serenity. It is difficult not to be a bit bitter sometimes.
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